It’s nothing incriminating, so if that’s why you clicked – for the tea, if you will, then you’re probably not going to be satisifed with your expectations. Let’s lower those expectations and keep reading. I bet you laugh at least once before you’re done.
I’ve been meaning to write for probably two months now. My last post, I think, was on New Year’s. Ten weeks of changes. Ten weeks seems like it was a long time ago. Funny how you get so wrapped up in life, it’s like years go by in the blink of an eye. The older I get, the faster the time goes, too. It’s kind of wild. We spend our youth wanting to be older and have the things we dream of having only to find out it’s a lot harder to get that stuff when you have bills to pay. When we get here and we’re just like…man…where has the time gone? Just yesterday I couldn’t wait to be 40 and have the dream life. Oh, sweet childish innocence. How I long for thee some days.
So I started T on 11.17.22. Official first day. Here I am, almost 17 weeks later. Friday will be four full months on T. My neckbeard is coming in pretty steady. Not a full one. No, no. I couldn’t have that luck. I have 14 year old facepubes. It’s a thing. And not only is it a full thing, but it’s coming in red. Like my mom’s side of the family. Brown head hair, blonde body hair and a fire red beard. I’m a human calico. Not even playing. And I’m not even mad about it, that’s the best part. Like, listen, if it keeps coming in that fire red I think I’ll look pretty rad rockin the gingy beard.
I do have a newfound appreciation for mothers of boys, though. Because I’m here to tell you, the pubescent testosterone stank is a real thing. I noticed just a few weeks in that my skin and my body smell was changing. Oily skin, thicker skin, it’s all changing. And there are plenty of changes they don’t tell you about, trust me. I’m not going to go into detail or anything, but, seriously, it’s a whole damn thing.
When you read things on the internet about the changes you’ll see during HRT, sometimes it’s a little scary, right? You’re reading along and you come across this tidbit: “You may experience increased appetite, increased aggression, increased sex drive and a change in moods.” Alright, so, uh, nope, nope, okay maybe? And probably a hard pass. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read articles and blogs where my conclusion has been, “Hmm…is it possible for me to be happy enough without T?”
The answer was always no.
Now that I’ve been on it almost four months, I’m really (this is going to sound super weird, consider yourselves warned) reconnecting with my body. I don’t mean like… you know… that. It’s just that my brain and my body haven’t really been in sync since I was a kid. There was always this strange disconnect after puberty that was just awful. But I had no idea that this was a thing. I just thought I was fucked up in the head or something. Tried the being a lesbian thing and I knew that wasn’t me, either. That became obvious right off the bat. Nothing against lesbians, there are plenty of lesbians that I love very very much. It just wasn’t me. Until my then-girlfriend asked me about it one day, I didn’t know being trans was even a thing. Once I started doing research, it was like..hmm. You know in sci-fi movies where they show the electric shock racing through the body and the nerves and stuff? It was like that from every nerve ending in body straight to my brain. Finally something made sense to me. Years of feeling like I was somehow defective suddenly confirming that I was not, in fact, defective. I was simply transgender.
But, yeah, so there’s that. And while it’s a beautiful thing to kind of feel like I’m not defective, it also comes with a sense of sadness. Because I wasn’t really in touch with myself as far as the mind/body connection goes, I didn’t really spend that time taking care of myself. Because I hated myself for a really really long time. And now I’m having to work my literal ass off at getting to where I want to be. It will be worth it. The hard work will pay off. But sometimes I get so damn angry at myself.
The past is the past, though. My name change became officially legal on Feb 17th. So for almost a month now, I’ve legally been Heath Nicklaus. Heather Nicole exists in the past and the past is hers, but from now on, this is me. And while it’s still an adjustment, I’m able to be Heath at work and out in the world and it’s been the best thing for my self-confidence.
So last week, to a super recent update on things, my doctor increased my T dosage. I went to the regular doctor the other day, too, to get a check up on cholesterol and all of that “fun” stuff. Since starting T, I gained all the weight back I’d lost and another 15 for good measure. Yeah, that was exciting. (Not.) So now I’m 1200 calories a day, 60 grams of protein and working out. Which I was already getting into anyway, so not a huge change on that front. The counting calories and sticking to 1200ish so far is going okay, but I’ve had to change the way I do everything. Not a bad thing. I really think it will make a difference — I already feel better not eating so many calories. Just have to put a little more effort in and not rely on the convenience stuff so much. OH – and he put me on Wellbutrin, too. Which I guess is an anti-depressant, but apparently it’s an appetite suppressant, too. So we shall see.
So things are really going pretty well. This whole thing is an adjustment, but for the most part it’s good. I’m definitely happier than I’ve been in a really long time. And that feels really damn good.