I’ve been wanting to write a blog post to commemorate 40 years of existence since before my birthday back in August, but I just haven’t ever gotten around to doing it. Today, I’m making myself do it because I’m going to wake up and be 41 and still not have written it.
I’ve been saying for a couple of years now that 40 is going to be another year of major progress for me. I had no idea in what ways, that’s just been the vibe I’ve been pumping out into the universe for a couple of years now. Apparently it worked. I’m not even a month in and there are so many things going so right for me right now.
I went to the doctor back in June, which I wrote about at the time so I won’t reiterate all of the things that spawned from that. I hit a point in life about six months ago that I realized it was time for me to stop talking about change and actually make the changes in my life that are going to get me to my goals. I made a doctor appointment and in June, I started doing Weight Watchers. Summary of doctor: we’re working on getting my A1C where it needs to be and then I’m getting referred to an endocrinologist so that I can start hormone replacement therapy.
Weight Watchers has changed my life, y’all. In 2 1/2 months, I’ve lost 25 pounds. Even though the scale is moving slowly (as it should if I’m being healthy about it), my clothes fit different. Last week, I did a side by side of me from June 27th to August 27th and the difference is pretty incredible for such a short period of time. I’m still eating pretty much what I want, just learning to balance and moderate things instead of having this really unhealthy relationship with food. I remember looking into Noom a while back and it talked about how it was about the psychology of your relationship with food, but I never had the money to sign up and really work the program. Weight Watchers was having a special deal and I decided to join yet again. Only this time, I started actually learning how to change my relationship with food and eat to live instead of eating my emotions. I still struggle sometimes with it, but for the most part, food is something I do because I have to to survive and be healthy, not because there’s a bunch of stuff going on in my life that I need that food comfort for.
I started gaining weight once I hit puberty and it’s been a downhill slope since then. A combination of unbalanced hormone levels, pcos and just general misery in not knowing anything about being transgender for so long was a recipe to get me to where I was. I’ve known that something wasn’t right with my body/brain combination birth dealt me since I was very young. Like 5 or 6 years old was the beginning of it all. But living where I do and having a really religious and conservative family didn’t afford me the luxury of being exposed to knowing that transgender was a thing. I was 30 years old when my girlfriend at the time asked me if I was sure I wasn’t trans. I had no idea what she was talking about, but when I started researching, everything just clicked. Like ohhhhh hell. It’s been a 10 year road to finally really being 100% at peace with who I am – and being confident enough to not be afraid to let the world know, too. Not that every day is a cake walk, because sometimes I have bad days with it. But for the most part? I’m 100% at peace with it.
A few years ago after yet another failed relationship with a woman who was hung up on my biology, I stepped back from relationships and trying to be happy with someone and really worked on falling in love with myself as I am and being in a healthy place with that. I’ve played Second Life for years and it was a pretty big part in that acceptance of myself. I was able to present 100% male and most people even after talking to me on voice for a while had no idea because, well, I’m just a dude. So between that and really working on loving me and surrounding myself with people who saw and loved me for me, I really did fall in love with myself. I set a lot of boundaries for people that I would no longer scoot far enough to make them comfortable and was at peace with whatever that wound up looking like.
Five years ago, I left my church that I’d gone to since I was 11 years old. Being trans in this evangelical part of the country wasn’t something that was working for me any longer. Being gay and in church was hard enough, nevermind being transgender. So for my own spiritual health and well-being, I left. During the pandemic, I found Left Hand Church based out of Colorado and absolutely fell in love with the people there and the way that they view God’s love and acceptance – without any labels whatsoever. For almost two years now, I’ve been their podcast director and I get to do the podcasts of the sermons every week. It’s a tiny bit of myself that I can give, but the outreach and the messages of love and kindness that are presented are so huge. I’ve met a lot of really wonderful people through that church and one day I hope to be able to road trip it out to Colorado to finally hug all of the people that I’ve grown to love so much.
Also a couple of years ago, I met MJ. The first conversation I ever had with her, I knew that I’d be with her. I’ve always thought it was such bullshit when people say things like, “I knew when I met you that I was going to marry you.” But I get it now. I won’t get super mushy or anything like that about her because I’m not one to air my relationships for the world, but I will say this. We both went through some stuff that rocked us to the foundation, but we agreed when we had our first conversation that friendship would be more important than anything else with us. Even though we were apart for several months, being where we are now is a pretty wonderful place to be. We met each other when we needed to know the other person existed so that when we were both in a place to come back together, we’d be able to. My mind is blown every day by her and the relationship that we have and it’s one of many things that I’m so grateful for.
Last week, I had to go meet with my attorney for some other things and I’d asked her what it would take to change my name when it came time for me being ready to do that. She told me basically $750 and a party to officially kill Heather and I couldn’t have loved that more. I worked with her husband at the bank back when I was in college and I’ve known and loved them for 20 years now. The fact that she’s ready to have a party to officially and legally make me become Heath brought me so much joy I can’t even explain it.
So, yeah…my 40’s are starting out with a bang. There are other things going on that I will write about when it’s time to and I’m able to. I’m just overwhelmed with how blessed I am. Not everything is perfect, but the things that really matter are pretty great right now.
What Agenda? 
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